Growing up in "fear"

I grew up in a very religious household (KEYWORD–religious), and for a very long time I thought of God as a big, scary man.  Religion was/is all about rules, regulations, along with do's and don'ts.   I was always told that God was our Father in Heaven, but for some reason I feared Him.  Why is that? Could it be that a fear rooted from my earthly father; a reflection of him which made me think of God in the same way.

Growing up I feared my dad, and to be completely honest we didn't have the best relationship.  Because of this, I didn't have the best, if at all, a relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I feared God and everything I thought He was, but I had no idea who He actually was.  You see the dad you have is supposed to be a representation of God.  Many people don't have the best dads on earth which then makes them to believe that God is the same way but in fact He is so much more than we can ever fathom!

Over the years, I've constantly struggled with giving my problems to God, and surrendering to Him.  Part of me could not let go of what my dad did...divorcing my mom, leaving our family, abandoning me.  I felt all these emotions of anger, hate, sadness, etc.  As time past, I kept giving God the same problems because I couldn't honestly let go of them.  I was scared that my dad would just walk scott free..  I didn't want him to get away with that and I wanted him to feel how I felt... I wanted to make him feel my pain, honestly now that I think of, it sounds evil as ever...

Each time I gave it to God, it got a little easier to let go.  One day, and I can't be anymore specific than that only because this took a long time to reach... I finally was able to completely understand and let go.  It wasn't my job to hold my dad accountable for what he did, the damage he caused, the hurt he brought.. That was God's job,  even if it didn't seem like it, God holds us all accountable for the words we speak, the actions we do, everything.  Besides, it was my job to forgive him and let it go, to give it to my Heavenly Father who wants to carry our burdens.

Now I can happily, and honestly say that my dad and I have a wonderful relationship.  It may not be the most perfect, but it gets better each day.  As I've grown in Christ, I can tell he's growing in his own way in The Lord.  I can now call my dad and just have a conversation verses before it wasn't ever like that.  God is such a great and awesome Daddy, there isn't anything He can't do!

xoxo,

-Vi