When He gave me elephants

As I said before, I grew up believing in God but I always felt like He was TOO BIG to hear me or see me.  My cries out seemed to go unnoticed, was I insignificant?  Did I have purpose?  Why was I on Earth anyway? Some days I felt like it would have been easier to just go to bed and not wake up...and believe me, I even prayed that a few times growing up.  Until one day my heart was broken into tiny little pieces.  I still can't understand why I got to this place by a stupid break up but let's face it, rejection hurts...  No one likes to be told they aren't "good enough," "pretty enough," "_____ enough," because believe it or not...YOU ARE ENOUGH!  This will definitely be another post but a little backstory on this.

For some reason, reasons I can't explain, my mom has always gotten hearts from God.  Ever since I can remember, my mom would get hearts and say "Thank You Lord!" She would get them all the time.  We'd be in the grocery store and she'd feel something on her finger and it would oddly enough be a tiny heart...  How things like this happened was beyond me but she gets them ALL THE TIME!  She always said it was God giving her love, so remember this—my mom gets hearts from God.

•Back to the story•

It's actually funny how I remember this to a T, but I was sitting on this corner couch in our 'formal' living room.  My heart was just broken and as I talked to my mom, I was so angry!  Why God, why is it that You don't hear me! Am I too small?! Am I not important?  WHY DON'T I HEAR YOU!!!! I'm waiting.. I've been waiting.. I tired of waiting..  Are you even real? The tears begin to fall even more, because I'm so small on this Earth that has so many people and I'm trying to convince myself that He isn't even real.   Pleading with my mom that He loves her more, I don't hear Him and why doesn't He give me anything like how you get hearts from Him, she said the most simple thing to me...
                                                                                                "Why don't you ask Him for something?"

• the next part of the story, I don't advise you to do, but I do believe that He shows Himself in the most amazing way.  BUT testing God is not something I would ever want to do•

I thought about what my mom said...about asking Him for something.. It took me not even five minutes to think of what I was going to ask for.  When picking what I wanted, you'd think I almost wanted to be proved wrong but simultaneously I didn't... I was at a point in my life that I wasn't sure if there was a God so great that I had heard all the wonderful stories of Him and His constant provision on His children.  Because I had yet to feel Him for myself.  I said "I'm going to ask for something I KNOW I'll NEVER SEE! I'm going to ask for elephants! SO God..if You do hear me, You'll give me elephants!!!!" *because I live in North America, my house was on a farm, and seeing an elephant in our yard is damn near impossible.... bad move Vi*  NOT EVEN TWO SECONDS LATER.. I saw an elephant in my living room... *GASP what.. in your living room? how?!* My mom had bought a bouncer for my nephew and guess what it had all over it...  Yep...  Elephants..  I was like oh that's just a coincidence, or was it?  In a total of five minutes, not even, I was given three, THREE, elephants..  The first one was the bouncer, then I got on instagram...and the first picture that was on my newsfeed was a picture of an elephant from some zoo.. I thought 'hmmmmm, still coincidence' then for some strange reason I felt I needed to go to my room.  For what, I still have no recollection because I was stopped dead in my tracks when I reached the threshold...  The third elephant was in my closet, a framed picture of a beautiful elephant swimming...

Now, as one can only imagine... I felt like I had the biggest slap across the face, how could I have been so stupid?! I felt ashamed of how I acted and how I behaved, but at the same time I felt like God was holding me saying "Don't you know how much I love you? You are My child, when I said I would never leave nor forsake you, I meant it!"  Remember in my last post when I said that God is our Daddy?  Well all He wants is us, He loves each and everyone of us.  He hears and sees each of us!  We are not too small for Him, He created us in His image!  If you only knew how much your Daddy in Heaven loves you!  Five years, five years has He doused me in elephants, showing me that He is so ever present!

I don't know how others feel, I can only speak for myself, but I can only assume (and hope) that I'm not the only one out there that has ever doubted.  Maybe I'm alone on this, and that's okay.  Doubt is a very hard thing to shake but God is so much bigger than stupid doubt.  You are so loved by God, and all He wants is you to come to Him.  The funny thing is now that I think about it, before I even spoke the words out of my mouth God knew what I was going to ask for.  He knew what I was going to ask for!!!! Can we just take a minute on that..  He is an ever knowing God, He knows what He want and need before we even know it or think it.  It's such an amazing thing when you truly think about.  If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to comment, I will try my best to answer all of them, if any, to the best of my ability.  I hope you enjoyed reading this, and seeing how amazing God is!

God Bless!

-Vi

Growing up in "fear"

I grew up in a very religious household (KEYWORD–religious), and for a very long time I thought of God as a big, scary man.  Religion was/is all about rules, regulations, along with do's and don'ts.   I was always told that God was our Father in Heaven, but for some reason I feared Him.  Why is that? Could it be that a fear rooted from my earthly father; a reflection of him which made me think of God in the same way.

Growing up I feared my dad, and to be completely honest we didn't have the best relationship.  Because of this, I didn't have the best, if at all, a relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I feared God and everything I thought He was, but I had no idea who He actually was.  You see the dad you have is supposed to be a representation of God.  Many people don't have the best dads on earth which then makes them to believe that God is the same way but in fact He is so much more than we can ever fathom!

Over the years, I've constantly struggled with giving my problems to God, and surrendering to Him.  Part of me could not let go of what my dad did...divorcing my mom, leaving our family, abandoning me.  I felt all these emotions of anger, hate, sadness, etc.  As time past, I kept giving God the same problems because I couldn't honestly let go of them.  I was scared that my dad would just walk scott free..  I didn't want him to get away with that and I wanted him to feel how I felt... I wanted to make him feel my pain, honestly now that I think of, it sounds evil as ever...

Each time I gave it to God, it got a little easier to let go.  One day, and I can't be anymore specific than that only because this took a long time to reach... I finally was able to completely understand and let go.  It wasn't my job to hold my dad accountable for what he did, the damage he caused, the hurt he brought.. That was God's job,  even if it didn't seem like it, God holds us all accountable for the words we speak, the actions we do, everything.  Besides, it was my job to forgive him and let it go, to give it to my Heavenly Father who wants to carry our burdens.

Now I can happily, and honestly say that my dad and I have a wonderful relationship.  It may not be the most perfect, but it gets better each day.  As I've grown in Christ, I can tell he's growing in his own way in The Lord.  I can now call my dad and just have a conversation verses before it wasn't ever like that.  God is such a great and awesome Daddy, there isn't anything He can't do!

xoxo,

-Vi