As I said before, I grew up believing in God but I always felt like He was TOO BIG to hear me or see me. My cries out seemed to go unnoticed, was I insignificant? Did I have purpose? Why was I on Earth anyway? Some days I felt like it would have been easier to just go to bed and not wake up...and believe me, I even prayed that a few times growing up. Until one day my heart was broken into tiny little pieces. I still can't understand why I got to this place by a stupid break up but let's face it, rejection hurts... No one likes to be told they aren't "good enough," "pretty enough," "_____ enough," because believe it or not...YOU ARE ENOUGH! This will definitely be another post but a little backstory on this.
For some reason, reasons I can't explain, my mom has always gotten hearts from God. Ever since I can remember, my mom would get hearts and say "Thank You Lord!" She would get them all the time. We'd be in the grocery store and she'd feel something on her finger and it would oddly enough be a tiny heart... How things like this happened was beyond me but she gets them ALL THE TIME! She always said it was God giving her love, so remember this—my mom gets hearts from God.
•Back to the story•
It's actually funny how I remember this to a T, but I was sitting on this corner couch in our 'formal' living room. My heart was just broken and as I talked to my mom, I was so angry! Why God, why is it that You don't hear me! Am I too small?! Am I not important? WHY DON'T I HEAR YOU!!!! I'm waiting.. I've been waiting.. I tired of waiting.. Are you even real? The tears begin to fall even more, because I'm so small on this Earth that has so many people and I'm trying to convince myself that He isn't even real. Pleading with my mom that He loves her more, I don't hear Him and why doesn't He give me anything like how you get hearts from Him, she said the most simple thing to me...
"Why don't you ask Him for something?"
• the next part of the story, I don't advise you to do, but I do believe that He shows Himself in the most amazing way. BUT testing God is not something I would ever want to do•
I thought about what my mom said...about asking Him for something.. It took me not even five minutes to think of what I was going to ask for. When picking what I wanted, you'd think I almost wanted to be proved wrong but simultaneously I didn't... I was at a point in my life that I wasn't sure if there was a God so great that I had heard all the wonderful stories of Him and His constant provision on His children. Because I had yet to feel Him for myself. I said "I'm going to ask for something I KNOW I'll NEVER SEE! I'm going to ask for elephants! SO God..if You do hear me, You'll give me elephants!!!!" *because I live in North America, my house was on a farm, and seeing an elephant in our yard is damn near impossible.... bad move Vi* NOT EVEN TWO SECONDS LATER.. I saw an elephant in my living room... *GASP what.. in your living room? how?!* My mom had bought a bouncer for my nephew and guess what it had all over it... Yep... Elephants.. I was like oh that's just a coincidence, or was it? In a total of five minutes, not even, I was given three, THREE, elephants.. The first one was the bouncer, then I got on instagram...and the first picture that was on my newsfeed was a picture of an elephant from some zoo.. I thought 'hmmmmm, still coincidence' then for some strange reason I felt I needed to go to my room. For what, I still have no recollection because I was stopped dead in my tracks when I reached the threshold... The third elephant was in my closet, a framed picture of a beautiful elephant swimming...
Now, as one can only imagine... I felt like I had the biggest slap across the face, how could I have been so stupid?! I felt ashamed of how I acted and how I behaved, but at the same time I felt like God was holding me saying "Don't you know how much I love you? You are My child, when I said I would never leave nor forsake you, I meant it!" Remember in my last post when I said that God is our Daddy? Well all He wants is us, He loves each and everyone of us. He hears and sees each of us! We are not too small for Him, He created us in His image! If you only knew how much your Daddy in Heaven loves you! Five years, five years has He doused me in elephants, showing me that He is so ever present!
I don't know how others feel, I can only speak for myself, but I can only assume (and hope) that I'm not the only one out there that has ever doubted. Maybe I'm alone on this, and that's okay. Doubt is a very hard thing to shake but God is so much bigger than stupid doubt. You are so loved by God, and all He wants is you to come to Him. The funny thing is now that I think about it, before I even spoke the words out of my mouth God knew what I was going to ask for. He knew what I was going to ask for!!!! Can we just take a minute on that.. He is an ever knowing God, He knows what He want and need before we even know it or think it. It's such an amazing thing when you truly think about. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to comment, I will try my best to answer all of them, if any, to the best of my ability. I hope you enjoyed reading this, and seeing how amazing God is!
God Bless!
-Vi
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