Over the years, I accumulated clothing like its going out of style, and I'm not really the type of person to throw away them either. Actually if I think about it, I've had a hard time throwing away a lot of things—cards would be one of those items. Even though I'm not a card person, I myself, have a very hard time disposing of them. I'd find some excuse as to why I should keep it just a little while longer while shoving it in the back of some drawer or box I had laying around. The same thing went for clothes, I would have some fond memory attached to come article of clothing or some strange idea that I would eventually wear it—which by the way, never happened.
Over the time span of my life, I've received my fair share of hand-me-downs; which I'm thankful for, so don't get me wrong. While it's nice to have "new" yet not new clothes that you can work with, it also made it that much harder to get rid of the things I wasn't wearing. I always felt bad, 'I like it but it just isn't me' yet I would still keep it because I would feel bad. Although I love second hand stores and have found some really great finds, those aren't the "hand-me-downs" I'm talking about. I'm talking about the good ol' fashion family pass downs from big cousins and sisters. The ones that will actually see if you are wearing what you gave them... those hand-me-downs. These people who give me their clothes and I would feel so bad if I didn't like them, wear them, or got rid of them in any way I felt fit.
I would hear things like, "I wanted them to go to a good home, so I knew you'd be the perfect person for them!" or "I just couldn't give them to just anybody." The pressure that those words left, felt like boulders.. Not to mention the fact that I was the youngest girl in my extended family, so I literally got all the pass downs.
As I've gotten older, I've developed my own style, and from that it's formed and morphed into different things. My style now is completely different than it was last year or even six months ago. My style is ever changing and maturing as I get older. I finally hit my breaking point; story-time!
When my husband and I moved to the western panhandle of Florida, I had so many clothes! We had a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment and more than enough clothes to fill it all up! I decided to divvy up my clothes into two piles, more like rooms but who's asking... clothes that I wear and clothes that I don't. Now I know what you've thinking.. why not just get rid of the ones you don't wear! Problem solved right? Wrong! I convinced myself that if I got rid of them I would eventually be looking for the exact item that I disposed of, and I just couldn't have that. In the guest room went my "I don't" wear clothes and in our master, went my "I do" wear clothes.
Now I'll have to get into our life in the military a little more in depth later, but for now I'll just leave you with this—when we moved from our apartment to our now house; the setup remained the same. While The Lord has been working on my heart on several different things. The way I dress is one of them (not that I dress provocatively but as a woman of God and a wife, there are things in my closet that I definitely do not need to be wearing!) I was recently reading my devotional "Jesus Calling" and the particular passage I was reading was about how our bodies are a temple for the Holy Spirit. Since reading that and having it really soak in, it was the straw that broke the camel's back—my back. I was finally able to go through every item of clothing I have and get rid of them.
It has been such a weight off my shoulders, and I finally feel like I am now stepping into my true style. Maybe I start blogging about that too.. Who knows, but I am going to end this story now because I meant to post this back in October and it is now January 1st! Whoops!
xoxo,
-Vi
Monday, January 2, 2017
Friday, November 4, 2016
Unexplainable Peace
Before you get into reading this story/part of my life, I want to clarify a few things. This story isn't about who is right and who is wrong. This story isn't saying one side is lying over the other or vise versa. This is about me and how I allowed God to come into this part of my heart and fix what needed to be fixed. This is a story about how I have grown in Christ, and how He has made beauty out of ashes.
It has taken me twenty something years to come to the realization that some things just aren't my business and I don't need to know everything. Let me further explain what I mean, for a long time I've thought one way about something and you could not change my mind at all, but now I don't even care. It isn't my concern, it isn't my place to deal with it, God knows the truth and He will deal with it.
Like I had said before, my dad and I hadn't had the best relationship; up until a few years ago. Growing up I knew without a shadow of a doubt that he had an affair on my mom. I hated his for this, for tearing our family apart, for abandoning us—for abandoning me...
I'll never forget my first encounter with her, the woman I so desperately disliked; to be honest I'd rather not go into the gory details of part for a few things. Mainly being the reason that I am so ashamed how I behaved, and secondly and probably the most important part is, I've asked for forgiveness, not just by her but from God. I am not my past, nor does it defy who I am, the enemy can't hold things over me.
It was Father's Day in 2014 when my dad told me that he was now dating this woman. The woman I had yet to see since our first encounter, set side from the fact that we'd seen each other at a distance. My dad was telling me that he was getting a lake house in Canandaigua, NY for a week. He was inviting me to go, but also told me that she was going to be there as well. I immediately turned down the invite. Not only was I in summer school at West Virginia University, which was ever single day, but I didn't want to be in her presence.
I was secretly bummed that I was going to be missing out. Here's why, my dad has an older brother who has four boys and three girls. Every year for Thanksgiving we would go up to East Aurora, NY and spend it with them. My brother and I were/are very close to them, which I will refer to all of them as "the boys." Since we really only got to see them once a year, I loved every chance I could get to spend time with them. Out of all my family, including both sides, the boys are the closest in age to my brother and myself. They were like my brothers too, ones I never got to see.
Anyways, I went back to school and for the week leading up to the following weekend, which was when they were checking in; I was having an internal battle. Should I stay or should I go?! I should have just busted into song in my living room of my apartment, but I didn't; I talked it out on the couch to myself, thankfully I was there for the summer alone. I had the worst anxiety, the thought of seeing her made my heart want to beat out of my chest. Its was awful... but if I didn't go, the enemy would win. So what do you do in a time like this?
You call on God for Peace and Strength! I decided that I was going to go, after multiple times of being told that I should not. From Morgantown, it was roughly a six hour drive, clearly a day at the lake wouldn't be worth the time or drive right? WRONG! If I would have stayed, cooped up in my apartment I would have missed out on the amazing experience and breakthrough that God had in store for me!
I drove up to my aunt's house on Friday after I got out of class, we couldn't go to the lake until Saturday mid morning so it was all a waiting game until then. When the sun rose that Saturday morning, the youngest boy and I packed my car and made our way to the lake. The entire car ride, while accompanied, I was alone which I guess that's what I needed. While the passenger slept, I prayed heavily and as we approached the lake my heart rate continued to climb! All I could ask The Lord for was peace and strength.
As we pulled into the driveway, my heart rate continued to race. Approaching the door, I remember thinking "God, why do I still feel like this?!" Walking in, I was greeted by my dad, I looked over and could see her on the couch. Up until this point I thought I was going to see my heart pound out of my chest, until I said hi to her... then it all just melted away. All the heart pounding, heart throbbing, high anxiety just melted away. I had an unexplainable peace, that I can't even begin to describe.
That entire weekend was absolutely amazing, fun, and filled with family. Want to know what the best part of it was? God broke down walls I had up for years! Although she wasn't the person I wanted to be around, at the time, I was nice to her—which was one thing I asked God to help me with. It was around the time for me to leave to head back to school, when I was approached by her. I'll never forget what she said to me, "Thank you for being nice to me." All I could do was hug her! Hug... I hugged the person I thought I disliked the most! I was so touched that she was touched for me being nice to her.
A simple act of kindness started something amazing. You see the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy all that is good. If I would have stayed and not went to the lake, I wouldn't have the amazing relationship I have now with the person my dad is now married too! That one leap of faith, believing God was going to come through and give me His Peace, I was able to kick the enemy in the face—basically. From that weekend, we were able to grow and create a friendship and now a wonderful relationship.
Sometimes it can be the most nerve racking feeling, doing something that you are absolutely petrified of doing. When you don't know the outcome, when you don't know where the next step will be because it's located in the dark, when you are crying out and you are calling out to Him... Do yourself a favor, and JUMP—take the leap of faith! I promise you, God will catch you.
xoxo,
-Vi
It has taken me twenty something years to come to the realization that some things just aren't my business and I don't need to know everything. Let me further explain what I mean, for a long time I've thought one way about something and you could not change my mind at all, but now I don't even care. It isn't my concern, it isn't my place to deal with it, God knows the truth and He will deal with it.
Like I had said before, my dad and I hadn't had the best relationship; up until a few years ago. Growing up I knew without a shadow of a doubt that he had an affair on my mom. I hated his for this, for tearing our family apart, for abandoning us—for abandoning me...
I'll never forget my first encounter with her, the woman I so desperately disliked; to be honest I'd rather not go into the gory details of part for a few things. Mainly being the reason that I am so ashamed how I behaved, and secondly and probably the most important part is, I've asked for forgiveness, not just by her but from God. I am not my past, nor does it defy who I am, the enemy can't hold things over me.
It was Father's Day in 2014 when my dad told me that he was now dating this woman. The woman I had yet to see since our first encounter, set side from the fact that we'd seen each other at a distance. My dad was telling me that he was getting a lake house in Canandaigua, NY for a week. He was inviting me to go, but also told me that she was going to be there as well. I immediately turned down the invite. Not only was I in summer school at West Virginia University, which was ever single day, but I didn't want to be in her presence.
I was secretly bummed that I was going to be missing out. Here's why, my dad has an older brother who has four boys and three girls. Every year for Thanksgiving we would go up to East Aurora, NY and spend it with them. My brother and I were/are very close to them, which I will refer to all of them as "the boys." Since we really only got to see them once a year, I loved every chance I could get to spend time with them. Out of all my family, including both sides, the boys are the closest in age to my brother and myself. They were like my brothers too, ones I never got to see.
Anyways, I went back to school and for the week leading up to the following weekend, which was when they were checking in; I was having an internal battle. Should I stay or should I go?! I should have just busted into song in my living room of my apartment, but I didn't; I talked it out on the couch to myself, thankfully I was there for the summer alone. I had the worst anxiety, the thought of seeing her made my heart want to beat out of my chest. Its was awful... but if I didn't go, the enemy would win. So what do you do in a time like this?
You call on God for Peace and Strength! I decided that I was going to go, after multiple times of being told that I should not. From Morgantown, it was roughly a six hour drive, clearly a day at the lake wouldn't be worth the time or drive right? WRONG! If I would have stayed, cooped up in my apartment I would have missed out on the amazing experience and breakthrough that God had in store for me!
I drove up to my aunt's house on Friday after I got out of class, we couldn't go to the lake until Saturday mid morning so it was all a waiting game until then. When the sun rose that Saturday morning, the youngest boy and I packed my car and made our way to the lake. The entire car ride, while accompanied, I was alone which I guess that's what I needed. While the passenger slept, I prayed heavily and as we approached the lake my heart rate continued to climb! All I could ask The Lord for was peace and strength.
As we pulled into the driveway, my heart rate continued to race. Approaching the door, I remember thinking "God, why do I still feel like this?!" Walking in, I was greeted by my dad, I looked over and could see her on the couch. Up until this point I thought I was going to see my heart pound out of my chest, until I said hi to her... then it all just melted away. All the heart pounding, heart throbbing, high anxiety just melted away. I had an unexplainable peace, that I can't even begin to describe.
That entire weekend was absolutely amazing, fun, and filled with family. Want to know what the best part of it was? God broke down walls I had up for years! Although she wasn't the person I wanted to be around, at the time, I was nice to her—which was one thing I asked God to help me with. It was around the time for me to leave to head back to school, when I was approached by her. I'll never forget what she said to me, "Thank you for being nice to me." All I could do was hug her! Hug... I hugged the person I thought I disliked the most! I was so touched that she was touched for me being nice to her.
A simple act of kindness started something amazing. You see the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy all that is good. If I would have stayed and not went to the lake, I wouldn't have the amazing relationship I have now with the person my dad is now married too! That one leap of faith, believing God was going to come through and give me His Peace, I was able to kick the enemy in the face—basically. From that weekend, we were able to grow and create a friendship and now a wonderful relationship.
Sometimes it can be the most nerve racking feeling, doing something that you are absolutely petrified of doing. When you don't know the outcome, when you don't know where the next step will be because it's located in the dark, when you are crying out and you are calling out to Him... Do yourself a favor, and JUMP—take the leap of faith! I promise you, God will catch you.
xoxo,
-Vi
Saturday, August 20, 2016
When He gave me elephants
As I said before, I grew up believing in God but I always felt like He was TOO BIG to hear me or see me. My cries out seemed to go unnoticed, was I insignificant? Did I have purpose? Why was I on Earth anyway? Some days I felt like it would have been easier to just go to bed and not wake up...and believe me, I even prayed that a few times growing up. Until one day my heart was broken into tiny little pieces. I still can't understand why I got to this place by a stupid break up but let's face it, rejection hurts... No one likes to be told they aren't "good enough," "pretty enough," "_____ enough," because believe it or not...YOU ARE ENOUGH! This will definitely be another post but a little backstory on this.
For some reason, reasons I can't explain, my mom has always gotten hearts from God. Ever since I can remember, my mom would get hearts and say "Thank You Lord!" She would get them all the time. We'd be in the grocery store and she'd feel something on her finger and it would oddly enough be a tiny heart... How things like this happened was beyond me but she gets them ALL THE TIME! She always said it was God giving her love, so remember this—my mom gets hearts from God.
•Back to the story•
It's actually funny how I remember this to a T, but I was sitting on this corner couch in our 'formal' living room. My heart was just broken and as I talked to my mom, I was so angry! Why God, why is it that You don't hear me! Am I too small?! Am I not important? WHY DON'T I HEAR YOU!!!! I'm waiting.. I've been waiting.. I tired of waiting.. Are you even real? The tears begin to fall even more, because I'm so small on this Earth that has so many people and I'm trying to convince myself that He isn't even real. Pleading with my mom that He loves her more, I don't hear Him and why doesn't He give me anything like how you get hearts from Him, she said the most simple thing to me...
"Why don't you ask Him for something?"
• the next part of the story, I don't advise you to do, but I do believe that He shows Himself in the most amazing way. BUT testing God is not something I would ever want to do•
I thought about what my mom said...about asking Him for something.. It took me not even five minutes to think of what I was going to ask for. When picking what I wanted, you'd think I almost wanted to be proved wrong but simultaneously I didn't... I was at a point in my life that I wasn't sure if there was a God so great that I had heard all the wonderful stories of Him and His constant provision on His children. Because I had yet to feel Him for myself. I said "I'm going to ask for something I KNOW I'll NEVER SEE! I'm going to ask for elephants! SO God..if You do hear me, You'll give me elephants!!!!" *because I live in North America, my house was on a farm, and seeing an elephant in our yard is damn near impossible.... bad move Vi* NOT EVEN TWO SECONDS LATER.. I saw an elephant in my living room... *GASP what.. in your living room? how?!* My mom had bought a bouncer for my nephew and guess what it had all over it... Yep... Elephants.. I was like oh that's just a coincidence, or was it? In a total of five minutes, not even, I was given three, THREE, elephants.. The first one was the bouncer, then I got on instagram...and the first picture that was on my newsfeed was a picture of an elephant from some zoo.. I thought 'hmmmmm, still coincidence' then for some strange reason I felt I needed to go to my room. For what, I still have no recollection because I was stopped dead in my tracks when I reached the threshold... The third elephant was in my closet, a framed picture of a beautiful elephant swimming...
Now, as one can only imagine... I felt like I had the biggest slap across the face, how could I have been so stupid?! I felt ashamed of how I acted and how I behaved, but at the same time I felt like God was holding me saying "Don't you know how much I love you? You are My child, when I said I would never leave nor forsake you, I meant it!" Remember in my last post when I said that God is our Daddy? Well all He wants is us, He loves each and everyone of us. He hears and sees each of us! We are not too small for Him, He created us in His image! If you only knew how much your Daddy in Heaven loves you! Five years, five years has He doused me in elephants, showing me that He is so ever present!
I don't know how others feel, I can only speak for myself, but I can only assume (and hope) that I'm not the only one out there that has ever doubted. Maybe I'm alone on this, and that's okay. Doubt is a very hard thing to shake but God is so much bigger than stupid doubt. You are so loved by God, and all He wants is you to come to Him. The funny thing is now that I think about it, before I even spoke the words out of my mouth God knew what I was going to ask for. He knew what I was going to ask for!!!! Can we just take a minute on that.. He is an ever knowing God, He knows what He want and need before we even know it or think it. It's such an amazing thing when you truly think about. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to comment, I will try my best to answer all of them, if any, to the best of my ability. I hope you enjoyed reading this, and seeing how amazing God is!
God Bless!
-Vi
For some reason, reasons I can't explain, my mom has always gotten hearts from God. Ever since I can remember, my mom would get hearts and say "Thank You Lord!" She would get them all the time. We'd be in the grocery store and she'd feel something on her finger and it would oddly enough be a tiny heart... How things like this happened was beyond me but she gets them ALL THE TIME! She always said it was God giving her love, so remember this—my mom gets hearts from God.
•Back to the story•
It's actually funny how I remember this to a T, but I was sitting on this corner couch in our 'formal' living room. My heart was just broken and as I talked to my mom, I was so angry! Why God, why is it that You don't hear me! Am I too small?! Am I not important? WHY DON'T I HEAR YOU!!!! I'm waiting.. I've been waiting.. I tired of waiting.. Are you even real? The tears begin to fall even more, because I'm so small on this Earth that has so many people and I'm trying to convince myself that He isn't even real. Pleading with my mom that He loves her more, I don't hear Him and why doesn't He give me anything like how you get hearts from Him, she said the most simple thing to me...
"Why don't you ask Him for something?"
• the next part of the story, I don't advise you to do, but I do believe that He shows Himself in the most amazing way. BUT testing God is not something I would ever want to do•
I thought about what my mom said...about asking Him for something.. It took me not even five minutes to think of what I was going to ask for. When picking what I wanted, you'd think I almost wanted to be proved wrong but simultaneously I didn't... I was at a point in my life that I wasn't sure if there was a God so great that I had heard all the wonderful stories of Him and His constant provision on His children. Because I had yet to feel Him for myself. I said "I'm going to ask for something I KNOW I'll NEVER SEE! I'm going to ask for elephants! SO God..if You do hear me, You'll give me elephants!!!!" *because I live in North America, my house was on a farm, and seeing an elephant in our yard is damn near impossible.... bad move Vi* NOT EVEN TWO SECONDS LATER.. I saw an elephant in my living room... *GASP what.. in your living room? how?!* My mom had bought a bouncer for my nephew and guess what it had all over it... Yep... Elephants.. I was like oh that's just a coincidence, or was it? In a total of five minutes, not even, I was given three, THREE, elephants.. The first one was the bouncer, then I got on instagram...and the first picture that was on my newsfeed was a picture of an elephant from some zoo.. I thought 'hmmmmm, still coincidence' then for some strange reason I felt I needed to go to my room. For what, I still have no recollection because I was stopped dead in my tracks when I reached the threshold... The third elephant was in my closet, a framed picture of a beautiful elephant swimming...
Now, as one can only imagine... I felt like I had the biggest slap across the face, how could I have been so stupid?! I felt ashamed of how I acted and how I behaved, but at the same time I felt like God was holding me saying "Don't you know how much I love you? You are My child, when I said I would never leave nor forsake you, I meant it!" Remember in my last post when I said that God is our Daddy? Well all He wants is us, He loves each and everyone of us. He hears and sees each of us! We are not too small for Him, He created us in His image! If you only knew how much your Daddy in Heaven loves you! Five years, five years has He doused me in elephants, showing me that He is so ever present!
I don't know how others feel, I can only speak for myself, but I can only assume (and hope) that I'm not the only one out there that has ever doubted. Maybe I'm alone on this, and that's okay. Doubt is a very hard thing to shake but God is so much bigger than stupid doubt. You are so loved by God, and all He wants is you to come to Him. The funny thing is now that I think about it, before I even spoke the words out of my mouth God knew what I was going to ask for. He knew what I was going to ask for!!!! Can we just take a minute on that.. He is an ever knowing God, He knows what He want and need before we even know it or think it. It's such an amazing thing when you truly think about. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to comment, I will try my best to answer all of them, if any, to the best of my ability. I hope you enjoyed reading this, and seeing how amazing God is!
God Bless!
-Vi
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Growing up in "fear"
I grew up in a very religious household (KEYWORD–religious), and for a very long time I thought of God as a big, scary man. Religion was/is all about rules, regulations, along with do's and don'ts. I was always told that God was our Father in Heaven, but for some reason I feared Him. Why is that? Could it be that a fear rooted from my earthly father; a reflection of him which made me think of God in the same way.
Growing up I feared my dad, and to be completely honest we didn't have the best relationship. Because of this, I didn't have the best, if at all, a relationship with my Heavenly Father. I feared God and everything I thought He was, but I had no idea who He actually was. You see the dad you have is supposed to be a representation of God. Many people don't have the best dads on earth which then makes them to believe that God is the same way but in fact He is so much more than we can ever fathom!
Over the years, I've constantly struggled with giving my problems to God, and surrendering to Him. Part of me could not let go of what my dad did...divorcing my mom, leaving our family, abandoning me. I felt all these emotions of anger, hate, sadness, etc. As time past, I kept giving God the same problems because I couldn't honestly let go of them. I was scared that my dad would just walk scott free.. I didn't want him to get away with that and I wanted him to feel how I felt... I wanted to make him feel my pain, honestly now that I think of, it sounds evil as ever...
Each time I gave it to God, it got a little easier to let go. One day, and I can't be anymore specific than that only because this took a long time to reach... I finally was able to completely understand and let go. It wasn't my job to hold my dad accountable for what he did, the damage he caused, the hurt he brought.. That was God's job, even if it didn't seem like it, God holds us all accountable for the words we speak, the actions we do, everything. Besides, it was my job to forgive him and let it go, to give it to my Heavenly Father who wants to carry our burdens.
Now I can happily, and honestly say that my dad and I have a wonderful relationship. It may not be the most perfect, but it gets better each day. As I've grown in Christ, I can tell he's growing in his own way in The Lord. I can now call my dad and just have a conversation verses before it wasn't ever like that. God is such a great and awesome Daddy, there isn't anything He can't do!
xoxo,
-Vi
Thursday, July 28, 2016
A little introduction
As my first ever post, I figured why not start off by telling you a little about myself. I'm in love with my husband, and his job always amazes me. I am a military spouse which doesn't help my job status because I currently have none; which isn't keeping me down because I'm getting things accomplished...or so I'd like to think. I'm a fur mom to two amazing dogs, a beautiful border collie dingo mix, and a handsome German Shepherd. Most importantly, I am a God fearing woman, who wants nothing more than to please her Heavenly Father. I love The Lord, and want to only be a vessel for people to be brought into the Kingdom of Heaven. I've been very blessed with the most amazing friends, from back "home" and my new home. By new home I mean, every where the Marine Corps takes us.
I am an avid lemon water and tea drinker, not mixed together because that's just wrong.. or maybe its right, you let me know. I'm a wanna be world renowned photographer, and lover of all, correction, most animals. I want to travel the entire world, starting with Africa. I'm an imaginary book worm, and lover of all things small...weird I know but who doesn't love the miniature version of something tiny?!
To be honest, this is all I have for right now.. I have so much to talk about, both past and present, that I will save for later. I'm feeling inspired so maybe I'll be posting again very soon. Right now I have a crying mommas boy that I need to attend to. Until next time
xoxo,
-Vi
I am an avid lemon water and tea drinker, not mixed together because that's just wrong.. or maybe its right, you let me know. I'm a wanna be world renowned photographer, and lover of all, correction, most animals. I want to travel the entire world, starting with Africa. I'm an imaginary book worm, and lover of all things small...weird I know but who doesn't love the miniature version of something tiny?!
To be honest, this is all I have for right now.. I have so much to talk about, both past and present, that I will save for later. I'm feeling inspired so maybe I'll be posting again very soon. Right now I have a crying mommas boy that I need to attend to. Until next time
xoxo,
-Vi
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